“For every woman who is violently attacked, we
reduce our humanity”
—Nelson Mandela
I know that domestic violence is an affliction that
many women face in their marriages today. I also
know that behind the façade of a blissful and happy
marriage that most women portray in the public
lurks the horror of a violent and sadistic husband.
For many of these women, violent abuse by their
husbands is their worst kept secret. For many of
these women, marriage has become bondage-a
trap to keep them subjugated. But they must keep
up appearances and endure a violent husband
because the society frowns at divorce. For most
women who are victims of violence, the thought of
their home fills them with horror. The sight of their
husbands makes their heart jump. It is a
nightmarish dream they wished would end soon.
But they are too horrified and traumatised to
leave. In the last few days, reports of some mind-
boggling tales of domestic violence have left me in
shock. Spousal violence has also led me into
asking some hard questions about a scourge that
is turning many Nigerian women into endangered
species.
A few questions come to mind as I searched for
answers to this terrible scourge. Why do some
men batter their wives? Is it right to hit a woman
whom the man had sworn to love and cherish?
What could make a man hit a woman that cannot
be settled amicably? Is violence in marriage a way
to resolving dispute? Why do women stay with men
who cause them trauma and injuries through
constant battering? Are men who beat up their
wives insane or psychologically unstable? Is
woman battering hereditary? These questions have
become necessary when one considers the rate of
domestic violence in many Nigerian homes today.
There is no need looking any further to confirm that
women are being abused daily by their husbands.
On a daily basis, news of domestic violence
continues to grab the headlines-some have led to
maiming, physical incapacitation and even death.
But those are the ones in the public domain. The
other category of domestic violence is those we
don’t hear about. But they do happen anyway.
They occur in homes where the women have been
so traumatised that they could not bring
themselves to reporting to the authorities or the
media for the fear of their abusive husbands.
Domestic violence also cuts across social divide. It
is perpetrated by even the elite-be it political,
social, and economic and the well-heeled. There
have been cases where even so called “men of
God’’ turn their wives into punching bags.
Recently, a case of domestic violence which was
brought to the attention of a court in Lagos caught
my attention. The victim had narrated how she had
been a victim of perennial battering from her
husband in their 10 years old marriage. The
woman had confessed how she had been the
victim of vicious beatings from her husband. As I
read the story, the part that left me in shock was
when she revealed how her husband had battered
her even while pregnant. At another time she said,
with tears flowing, how she endured many
miscarriages because of constant beatings. It was
horrifying. She said her husband beat her even
while nursing their baby. The judge, who found it
hard to believe her story, asked the reason behind
her violent beatings. The reasons were flimsy.
According to her, she could be battered if his meal
was not on time. She could be beaten during a
simple argument or over the choice of television
channel. She said her husband once got angry and
beat her to stupor on a day his favourite English
Premiership team lost! The husband who could not
offer any cogent explanation for his constant fit of
rage only begged her for forgiveness. But the
woman who had found her voice was adamant in
asking for a divorce.
I thought she should have quit the marriage a long
time ago. Why stay in an abusive marriage? I have
personally witnessed another case of brutality a
woman suffered in the hands of her violent
husband. For all the years I had known the couple,
the woman was constantly in and out of hospital
because of the beatings she received from her
violent husband. At first, the recluse couple kept it
as a secret but it soon became public knowledge
when she suffered broken bones after she was
thrown down from the staircase and almost broke
her neck. Surprisingly, she never left her husband
in spite of entreaties from friends and neighbours.
Cases of spousal abuse have become rampant in
recent times. It is also prevalent among unmarried
couples. Boys are used to beating up their
girlfriends. These young women are often too
vulnerable to stand up to their abusive men. They
have accepted it as the norm. Once it was
reported how a man beat up his wife and in his fit
of jealous rage poured acid on her. In Akwa Ibom
State, one man dealt a heavy machete blow on his
wife on the allegation that she was unfaithful. Now,
the question I have often asked is what
punishment should be meted out to the man if he
was the one found to be unfaithful? I guess it’s a
man’s world around here. Domestic violence has
also bordered on the extreme. The celebrated case
of one Gbenga Arowolo who was alleged to have
stabbed his banker wife to death in 2011 has
reached its climax in a Lagos court. The statistics
have also shown that husband-on-wife violence is
endemic. According to the United Nations
Population Fund, about 50 per cent of women are
said to have been battered by their husbands.
Intriguingly, most educated women (65 per cent)
as compared to their low income counterpart (55
per cent) are being abused. A staggering 95.2 per
cent of abused women in Nigeria do not report
cases of domestic violence. The law has also
failed to protect women against domestic violence.
For example, only Ebonyi, Jigawa, Cross Rivers
and Lagos states have signed the Violence against
Women, Prevention, Protection and Prohibition Bill
into law.
Another form of violence is matrimonial rape. This
is not even recognised by the laws in Nigeria as of
today and there is no talk about it. How can a man
who during courtship promised to cherish and take
care of his woman turn her tormentor? At what
point does a marriage degenerate into a free-for-
all? At what point does love take flight and is
replaced by hate and violence? It is strange how a
man can hit a woman so violently as to maim her.
One intriguing factor in this domestic violence
issue is the way in which the victims are so
powerless that they cannot resist or quit. Some
victims will also stay in the marriage in the hope
that the man will change. Some will even hide their
injuries from friends and family. Some have even
defended their violence husband. I have also heard
excuses while women cannot quit their violent
husbands. I consider these excuses lame and
weird.
The family, church, friends and the victims
themselves all share the blame. There is no
excuse that can justify hitting another human
being, let alone one’s wife? There is also no
excuse to justify why a woman should remain with
an abusive husband. The excuse that the children
will suffer or that the dominant religions frown at
divorce will not suffice. It also does not matter
what the society feels about divorce. Who feels it
knows it. Why live with a violent husband if you will
end up maimed, blinded, incapacitated or even
dead? For me, no marriage is worth the trouble
when violence has replaced love. Now, a word of
advice for the abusive husbands and boyfriends
reading this, it is a mark of cowardice to hit any
woman. It is also a sign of insanity. You may have
to get your heads examined. For the abused wife, I
know that you have been told that marriage is for
‘’better and for worse.’’ But the Biblical injunction
does not include violence. Leave that abusive
husband now before death does you part.
-Follow me on twitter: @bayoolupohunda.